A Good Day, Topped Off With Some Glam (Rock That is!)

Yes, music of my youth is ringing around the room as I write this and I'm loving every single second of it. Enough of that, what about today? Well it started a long while ago, if I can remember it. Uuummmm, I got up which is a good start to the day. Had a phone call from Yeovil District Hospital with an appointment to see Dr Fish, my neurologist, at 9am on the 18th of May (3 days after my elbow op). I was told that a letter of confirmation would be sent. Not long after that call, a letter arrived from Yeovil District Hospital. I thought no way is it from Dr Fish. To my surprise, it was! It wasn't about the appointment though. It was about the EEG test I had a while ago, which was normal. I have to send a letter about the absences and having a prolonged EEG test, which will probably mean an overnight stay in hospital. We might just find something out then, you never know. I'm starting to get used to the absences, as long as they aren't too serious or lasting too long. It's that bloody permanent headache that I really want to get rid of! If they're linked in some way, it could be a case of deal with one thing and the other will go away. Wouldn't that be brilliant!

Today, I spent some time with my debut novel and did a fair bit of work on it. I felt darn good when I decided to call it a day. I managed to get over a big stumbling block that has been giving me some grief. So I have now got my main pair of time sentinels almost ready to go to work on Earth's crippled planetary destiny course. If you're confused, don't worry about it because I am as well - and I'm writing it!!! OK, here's the brief synopsis for those who don't know what I'm on about. Perhaps I should read this as well. Time sentinels manage time in the universe and there is a situation with Earth's history that could mean universal meltdown due to the collapse of time. Not a good thing! Two time sentinels take on the job of correcting a situation that has never, in the history of time itself, occurred before. That is the basis of Crash of Destiny which is the first volume of the Time Sentinel Trilogy. Now I think I might know a bit about what I'm doing!

So much for sci fi. I think that's it for today. I wonder what's happening tomorrow? It's my second mammogram so I will be telling you something about that. Also, because that means I'll be missing the health walk again, I will be meeting the walking group in the cafe. Let's see what other trouble I can get into tomorrow! TTFN.

Shortest Day?

I am well confused now. I've been up for about an hour and the light is fading outside. It seems that yesterday's blog post was posted at 3.39 this morning. There's only me that could have done it, except that I don't remember actually writing it. I remember that PM Live went well without the Internet dropout that happened on Thursday's show. I can remember having a couple of chats on facebook, one with Hannah who had sent a friend request and one with one of the girls from Canada who I think was Marie. What we chatted about I don't remember unless I look it up. I can remember being given a bottle of beer, which I know I drank but don't remember. Alcohol induced memory loss? No, it takes a few more than one to do that to me!

That's a lot of blank spaces that I would rather not have. I have no idea what time I actually went to bed, all I know is that I went after 3.39am and woke up at 5.45pm, which has left me feeling totally shattered as if I have hardly slept. I am still confused about it all and will be going to bed quite soon to try and get back on track for tomorrow. The start of another week which might just be a bit more straightforward than the weekend I have just had. I can't think what else I was going to say so I'll sign off for now. TTFN.

Getting the Javelin From a Stranger

Up early on a Saturday morning after a bad night, feeling cream crackered after a few hours of poor sleep. I was wishing that I had been able to sleep better with the 9am appointment approaching quite fast and me getting somewhat nervous. I tell myself that it is only the javelin and I have had enough of them to be used to the procedure by now. The trouble is that Doctor Ballam, who usually gives me the javelin, is not available so a stand in doctor will do it. That's what was making me rather nervous.

Sat in the waiting area I felt the butterflies getting ready to do somersaults, when a cheery voice called my name. It was the smiling Doctor Freeman. She started some banter as we entered the consulting room and I started to settle down. So, all went well with the javelin in the end and Planet Maz Radio got a new fan. Before I left the health centre, PMR got two more fans behind the reception counter. The health centre is situated inside Boots chemist in Yeovil, which makes sense because I live about 250 yards away from Boots. On the way out of boots, I saw my friend Trish on the No 7 counter so we had a quick chat and on of the other girls in the cosmetics department came over and ended up as another PMR fan! 

It doesn't stop there neither. As I was preparing tonight's show, I saw a notification that there was a fan asking to join the PMR fan group on facebook. No problem, I'll just click your tick and there we have another fan. The next surprise came after the show. A totally out of the blue friend request from someone who has been enjoying my comments on a mutual friend's facebook posts brought another fan to PMR. So it has turned out to be a pretty darn good Saturday and I've got a new pet lump for the next 12 weeks.TTFN.

New Specs and The Javelin Due!

Friday has been a fairly bright sunshine day in Yeovil, apart from a couple of sudden shady bits but I'm not complaining. Made it to the optician for my new glasses which will take some getting used to. It's the first time I've had varifocals and it's driving me NUTS! I hope I get used to them soon or I'll be saying 'no thanks' to the optician. I can sit more comfortably at the computer with them, which means that I don't have to take my specs off and bend right over the computer to see what I'm typing. That part I think I could get used to quite well. What I might have problems with is the distortion when I'm looking at things further away. It's only the first day so let's see if things improve.

I'm a bit nervous about going to the doctor's in the morning. It's time for my 12-weekly implant, which I have christened 'The Javelin'. It was described to me as a 'chunky' needle. which is quite an accurate description. Quite short but about 5mm thick! My usual doctor for this procedure is off work for a while due to a bereavement, so another doctor is going to perform this minor surgery. As I don't know who it will be, I can feel the apprehension mounting as the appointment gets closer. I just hope I can keep calm enough to get through it. I'm trying not to let it bother me and I'm now going to get some sleep.TTFN.

Looking Forward to Friday and May

I can't tell you much about today because I can't remember much about it. I do know that I woke up at about 7.30ish this morning and the next thing I know is sitting on the bed, still wearing pyjamas plus a dressing gown at nearly 1pm. I remember nothing about getting up or putting on a dressing gown. I could have been downstairs and had a cuppa, gone back to sleep, stayed sat on the bed since waking up or who knows what! One day this will happen and I'll get the police asking me about where I've been all morning; and they'll know more than me about it!

The internet dropped out during the last part of PMLive so I had to cobble a part 2 together pretty quick. If it was a prerecorded show I could just start again. Being a live show there isn't that luxury available and I was pleased with the way I handled it. I didn't panic, at least not much, and got on with resetting the show and doing the rest as part 2. There's a story for Planet Maz News on Planet Maz show next week.

Friday will soon be here and it's new specs day for me. I will be wearing varifocals for the first time, which I think will be more use to me for working more comfortably at the computer than anything else. I will give them a fair trial before I make up my mind

Only a Couple of Days Away from Cyber World

So I haven't been on here for a couple of days, mainly because I don't live in the cyber world 24/7! I have been feeling a bit low because of my dongle running out of credit and not being able to get it stoked up until today. I gave the Planet Maz Growth Fund a plug on Facebook which brought forth some Planet Maz heroes who helped out. I did shed a joyous tear or two and gratefully put some donations to work. My humble thanks go out to those heroes, who know who they are.

These past couple of days have been pretty miserable and I have been catching up on some paperwork. Also, I have been working out the temporary measures I must take to keep Planet Maz Radio on air. I didn't want to do this but I must until I can get things back to normal. Planet Maz will remain a 55 minute show because of the Radio Ear Network slot but PMLive will have to change for a while. It will be shortened to an hour show for both the Thursday and Saturday shows. It is sad that I have to do this and it affects me a lot. The new Planet Maz show was recorded earlier and I didn't really do the best job that I could. During one of the items in the show, I nearly broke down in tears. This was due to two things. Firstly, I am feeling a bit down about the cutting of programme time for PMLive, which I think shows in the below par standard of hosting. Secondly, part of the trans aspects item was very emotional for me. It mentioned the death of the most precious friend I ever had, who I will always love and miss so very much. I was left trying to work out when to start the last track in the show for it to end on time, and failing miserably to perform this simple calculation that I must have done thousands of times over the years. Despite everything that has been going on, I am still pushing myself onward with as much positive energy as I can muster. There will come a time when I can get back to being myself without having to struggle through all this.

However, there has been some positive news to give me a bit of a lift in the emotion department. I've had a phone call from the Gender Identity Clinic, or I should say Sara Thomas from the GIC. Sara is an electrologist. For those of you who don't know, that is someone who removes unwanted hair. In this case we are talking about electrolysis on the genital hair. Perhaps you may think that such a tender and painfull subject should not be counted as a happy event. For me it signals the beginning of the final stages of my transition. As this is the penultimate stage, I can now look forward to the surgery that will be such a fantastic change to my life. I know that it will be the biggest boost possible to my self-confidence as well as being quite sore. May is looking like a busy month and I will keep you up to date on here. TTFN

Catching up!

Yesterday was a confusing day and I must apologise for not posting on here. I slept for just over 14 hours on Wednesday night, which meant that yesterday consisted of getting PMLive Midweek together and broadcast. Strange as it may seem, and this where I started to get confused, I could hardly keep my eyes open. Why was I so tired? It didn't make sense to my brain. All that sleep and so tired? I got even more confused when an hour and a half disappeared without trace from my day. That brought the time to nearly 5.15pm. On air at 7pm. Panic alert! Keep calm girl! This I managed to do and got the show on air about a minute late. I call that a success! After the show I felt so exhausted that I couldn't think of anything except bed. So I went to bed and slept for another 11 hours, despite only having about a 7 or 8 hour day!

So now we are back on track and it is definitely Friday. I am still feeling exhausted despite another long period of sleep. Today, I'm going to try and find a way of cutting down the Internet costs so that I can continue with Planet Maz Radio in it's present form. The costs are crippling me financially and I could well do without the pressure that it is putting on me. PMR has come a long way in 9 months and I don't want to lose it now, when it is heading in the right direction so well. It does me a power of good to have something in my life that is a success and helps me to keep my confidence up.

So I make no apologies for including an unashamed plug for the PMR appeal for money to keep it alive. Many people have said to me on many occasions how much they enjoy the shows and how happy and confident I sound. Yes it is therapy for me and yes it is about people and that means everyone not just transpeople. So you can donate with your credit/debit card on www.gofundme.com/planet-maz-growth-fund remembering that gofundme operates a £5 minimum donation system. If you would prefer to send a cheque or make other arrangements, please email thisisplanetmaz@gmail.com (with 'Donation' as subject) for further details. Thank you.

One Problem is Soon to be Solved

Today's morning absence was a mild and short one. Good job it was, because I had a phone call from Musgrove Park Hospital shortly after I came back to Earth. They had a cancellation which was only a couple of days away. A bit too short notice for me to guarantee making it. Then I was told that the next available date was May 15th. That'll do for me! Get the elbow done and, chances are, it will soon be back to something like normal. At the moment, a soaking wet kitten could win an arm wrestling contest with it.

Other news is that the permanent headache is back to a dull roar that I can cope with. Now I can get a few things done, like this week's Planet Maz show and some paperwork for my benefits. Then I will have another go at catching up with my studies. It's all go around here you know. I just never know where my brain is going to go next.

Right, I have to disappear now to catch up with someone. If anything else happens today, I'll catch up with you later. TTFN.

A Long Long Time Getting Started

I woke up well this morning but it didn't last. I often have an absence or two until I get my bearings sorted out. These are usually mild and I know what happens during them, but not this morning. I was OK when I got downstairs to make a cup of tea. I don't remember most of the morning until I was sat on my bed trying to figure out what day it is. I had trouble getting myself moving as I was no further ahead than when I first got up and time was moving on fast. Tuesday is when I go on the Health Walk but it was going to be tight if I was going to make it to Goldenstones Liesure Centre to meet the walking group at 2pm. So I texted that I might not make it and carried on getting ready. It turned out that I didn't make it but we met up at the Gateway for coffee. A troublesome day that left me not knowing exactly what was going on kept on in the same way. I went to the shop for tea bags and couldn't remember why I was there so I went home. It was when I went to make a cup of tea that I remembered the teabags. Going back to the shop was not an option because I was far too agitated at this point. The back-up jar of instant tea will have to do.

This evening, I have tried to script and record the Planet Maz show and failed. Thanks to the added agitation, I have been unable to keep my mind properly focused and have just about managed to do a running order sheet. I will have to get myself going quite early tomorrow, it's payday and I have bills to pay and shopping to get. Also, I will be getting the show done and dusted for another week. So the next post might be later in the day just like this one was. It's getting late and writing this post has taken so long because of all the typing errors I am making. Here's to getting a good night's sleep and waking up better than today. TTFN.

The Head That Didn't Like the Optician

Today got off to a good start when I got up at a reasonable time to check messages and emails. Got through most of them before it was time to go to the optician. I thought I was tall but one of the nice young opticians that looked after me today had me looking up to him! It all went well, even a new pressure testing machine that isn't as horrible at blowing the puffs of air into the eyes as the last time I went. The rest of the appointment went well and new specs were chosen. That was all OK, or so I thought as I walked home. I had a cup of tea and some soup for a late lunch and got on with the rest of the messages and then I noticed that I couldn't remember walking home. On top of that, the permanent headache has decided that it would let me know what it thought of the eye tests. It was still a dull roar when I was leaving the optician. By the time I got home, it was like a month's blasting in a huge quarry going off at the same time. I think it's time to lie down and see if I can get it under control again (after a pair of painkillers). Until next time.

It's 10.45pm and the headache is now fighting the painkillers. I am going to take myself off to bed and try to get some sleep. Hopefully, I'll be better in the morning and the headache will be back to a manageable dull roar. That's all until tomorrow.

Going Down Under and Back

I was late up today and I am blaming certain Antipodian friends who kept me chatting on FB until after 2am! It's great to catch up with these Aussie nutters but it does not do the sleep routine any good! At least I'm here now. 

 Not long after I had finally risen from the pit, the doorbell rang (an unusual occurance on a Sunday morning!). I answered the door to find Jacqui standing there smiling at me. It was a flying visit but it was good to see her. So I am still feeling quite tired but happy today (so far!). It's a nice day out there so I might just get my walking shoes on and disappear for a couple of hours into the local countryside. I might be able to burn off a few of those excess calories.

That sounds like a good idea, if my permanent headache will settle down a bit. Yes, the downside is from the head department today. Amitriptyline keeps it down to a dull roar but it does have a nasty habit of fighting the medication at times and today is one of those days. As I type this, I can feel the pressure building up to blowing my stack levels. Now I have to decide if I take painkillers or not. Co-codamol is a strong painkiller and mine are the 3/500 strength which are the strongest. Two of them will deal with it and get it back to a manageable dull roar, if I can't fight it back myself. My typing speed has slowed dramaticly and I am finding it hard going to finish this post. I may have to come back later, so please excuse me if I disappear. I hate relying on medications to keep going, so I will do without them if I can, especially powerful pain killers like these. I have to take the amitriptyline at night to help me control the headache so that I have a better chance of getting some sleep. This doesn't always work but it gives me a better chance of sleeping.

I think that's all for now, so I'll be back later or tomorrow. Bye for now.

Payback for a Good Day

The first point today is that I have decide to start titling these blogs. I didn't think that it would be neccesary but I have had thoughts about it since writing last night's effort about having a successful day and the start of today.

So why should yesterday deserve some pay back? There is a theory of equal and opposite in life. In oriental philosophy they call it the ying and the yang of life. What this means is that there is a balance of good and bad in life. For everything good, there is something bad to maintain that balance. Today, I have had the bad side payback for yesterday's successful trip to Taunton, which started paying back before I went to bed, apparently. I had trouble getting to sleep last night, so I spent a lot of time reading and, I thought, just dozing. Today I found a used saucepan in the kitchen sink with two used plates. So what? So this; I made a pan of beef and tomato savoury pasta when I got home from Taunton. That is two meals for me, one for supper and the other for lunch today. I know that pasta meals are probably my favourite meals to cook and eat, and the second meal out of the pan always seems better than the first, more tasty and better flavours. Today, all I found in the kitchen was the empty pan and another used plate and fork. There is nobody else who would have eaten it so, the question is 'when did I eat it?'. One of those dozes must have been an absence, when I went downstairs and finished it off. If this is the case, and the evidence says it is, then I may well have answered two questions that I have been wondering about for some time. Firstly, where has so much of my food been going? Secondly, Why have I been putting so much weight on? It doesn't take Hercule Poirot to figure that one out!

Eventualy, I got to sleep. What time it was I can't be sure. What I am sure of is that I slept in until about 2pm. I might have slept too much or not enough, I don't know. What I do know is that I spent about half an hour pacing the floor near my bedroom door, inspecting the laundry, furniture, bed, items on the dressing table unit and it seemed that some of these things were getting complemented while some were getting told off. I can only surmise that from the ways that I was speaking to them as I couldn't understand a word of what I was saying. I feel quite exhausted and it's high time that I started to get tonight's PMLive show together. I just hope that I can keep myself going for the next few hours.

The Perfect Hospital Appointment?

I'm finally back in Yeovil from Taunton. I was starving hungry by the time I got back so first thing to do was get a pan of savoury beef and tomato pasta on the go. Then I thought that my top priority was large tea. I was right. I'm on the 2nd large tea and trying to get the fingers and brain to co-operate with writing this post. Here goes anyway. I caught the bus to Taunton OK and the bus to Musgrove Park Hospital, where I was quite early and found the orhopaedic clinic in plenty of time. I was nearly 20 minutes early and expecting to be there for ages. Time ticked on towards 3.10pm, my appointed time. 3.10 arrived and my name was called!! I got in to see Mr Sheridan (which was not an unpleasant experience at all. If he had took my blood pressure it would have gone through the roof!!) He was so nice in his manner (and looks), we were able to have a couple of giggles as he checked my arm. I don't think I slobbered anywhere, I managed to control the drooling enough! Anyway, mind back on the job. The conclusion of the appointment was that I will have surgery to decompress the Ulnar Nerve, which means that I will see him again within the next 18 weeks or so! The next thing to do was the pre-admission assessment, which meant finding my way to the POAC (Pre Operation Assessment Clinic) where there was more waiting to do. Blood pressure, height, weight, nasal probe and a specimen and some questions to ask and answer. It will be a day unit job but I will not be allowed home on my own. So I have to see about getting a lift from someone. All I need now is a date to go in for a quick (25 mins) cut and thrust job to get the nerve back to its old self. My arm will be in the hands of the lovely Mr Sheridan.

Hospital Appointment Anxiety

Well, I've arrived at the start of a new day. I've taken my breakfast tablets and I'm on the first of 2 large teas before I get ready for a slightly nervous journey that I must make. This is the day when I must go to Taunton for an appointment at Musgrove Park Hospital. I will, hopefully, find out if I have to have an operation on my left elbow. This is making me a bit nervous so I'm going to make sure that I have everything in my bag before I get a shower. I'm feeling quite calm now so it's the best time for me to do that. Last night's PMLive show went well with some giggles and a bit of more serious discussion to start with. I haven't reviewed it yet, but there were some good moments in it and I felt relaxed when I went to bed. There were some moments when I was on form and some where I was a bit slow and not quite up to speed. At least it was better than Saturday's show and back to the more usual length. Right now, though, I'm on the second tea and all is going well. Sunshine and blue sky in Yeovil is helping me to feel good so all is right on Planet Maz. I'll be reporting back later on how the appointment went, as well as how I coped with the day.

Goal Ajustment is Good for You

I'm feeling quite wierd today. Slept too much last night (11hours) and still feel quite exhausted. Got through emails and most of my fb messages. I see that there has been some activity on here. I'm pleased about that and I hope you are sharing the link for this blog. I'm a bit sad that nobody has left any comments. I would like visitors to join the blog and tell me what they are thinking. Don't worry about joining the blog, your details are safe and I won't pass them on at all. It's just so that I can keep the transphobic morons off this blog. I've just realised that today is Thursday, which means that I have to get myself together for PMLive Midweek in under 4 hours. I can feel a sensation of panic building up but I must stay focused on calm. Saturday's show was a dire affair! I sounded like a tenth rate beginner! Yesterday, I did consider deleting it but then I thought of why I am doing this blog. That show is showing how much of a fight this can be to continue with living a life that is blighted by mental ill health. Yes the show was crap and I could only manage half of my usual length of show, but I am proud of that crap show because I could easily have said "No show tonight, I'm not up to it". Instead I decided to do a shorter show that would allow me to take it quite easy. Yes there was less pressure on me, yes I sounded crap and yes, most importantly, I did it! I fought through the pressure that was created in my mind and achieved my goal of a one hour show! That is a good way of dealing with such a situation. Look at what you want to do and adjust the goal to suit your capability at that time. I did that and now I am proud of a piece of crap, but it's a piece of crap that I got through and completed.

Reflections on a Busy Day

Today has been a good day for me. A little scary in the Jobcentre when I went in to sort out my benefits. It was quite busy and I had to use one of their phones. It's not so much the phone that can make me nervous, it's the thought of talking to a stranger. Having said that, on a really bad day I can be scared of anything that can communicate with the outside world. Phone, computer, telly, radio and anything else that links with the world outside. Even answering the door is very scary on these days. Not today, though. I made an appointment at the optician for my 2 yearly eye test and decided to nip home for a coffee. I had been to the doctor, the bank and the optician so I decided to take a break before finishing my jobs. Living in the centre of town has its perks, like just nipping home for a coffee. It's good that I did, because I went to write the appointment on my dry wipe board and noticed that on Friday (the day I booked with the optician) I was going to Taunton for an appointment about my left arm (which has some damage to one of the main nerves that could be fixed by surgery). So, after coffee, I went back to the optician to change the appointment. Familiar, friendly faces greeted me at the district council offices where I arranged for Nadine (welfare benefit advisor) to contact me, as she wasn't in. Then to the jobcentre and back home. I helped a trans friend out and spent some time catching up with messages and facebook notifications (a quiet day on facebook - only about 50 notifications). For the rest of the day, I will be recording Planet Maz for PMR and REN. Until tomorrow, TTFN xxx

Busy Morning Ahead

8.50am and I'm doing well because I managed to get up on the second alarm out of 4 that I use on my mobile phone. I have also remembered to put the letters I need and my absence book in my bag ready for the doctor's appointment at 9.35am. She's got the patience of a saint, as the saying goes, with me and my issues. All I have to remember now is to go to the bank, Jobcentre and council office. Let's see what mess I can make of things today.

What is All This About?

This is it! A 'warts and all' record of living life with mental health problems as well as going through the transition to being the person that I should have been born as. I know that I'm nearing the end of my transition but the issue of mental health has reared its ugly head to give me a new set of problems only quite recently. I have started this blog on a day that began badly for me. I was supposed to get up this morning to go and do some errands before going on the usual Tuesday health walk at 2pm. I have 4 alarms on my mobile phone and all were set last night to wake me by 9am. Bed time was a respectable 10.45pm, or thereabouts, and I remember switching 2 of the alarms off in daylight. Then I looked at the clock and it was 2.45pm. What had I done for nearly 6 hours? Was I asleep or somewhere else? I have no idea. I only know that I was sitting on the bed at that time with no recollection of what I had been doing. It's most likely that I slept on until my mischievous mind decided that I should wake up. As long as I get things right tomorrow, especially getting up in the morning for a doctor's appointment, I will spend some time catching up on what I should have done today.

There is one thing that I can depend on but would rather that it would go away. I have a permanent headache that is mostly kept down to a dull roar with regular medication. If it should decide to get nasty, as it does at times, I have some very strong painkillers to tame it. This alone is enough to drive me totally off my trolley if I let it, so the headache has other co-conspirators waiting to ambush me. Panic attacks are bothersome little oiks that do their best to turn me into a tearsome, quivering mass of confused humanity. The last time that they won a round was a few weeks ago while visiting Charli and Helen for a few days. I don't remember much about it apart from being a snivelling wreck and Charli hugging me and trying to get me eating an apple. It was all because I couldn't find a razor, which goes to show that panic attacks don't care how small you're concern is before they decide to have a go at you.

Here's a question for you. What happens when your brain decides to ignore reality? In my case, the answer is 'mental absence'. If I wasn't asleep this morning, as noted above, then I had a mental absence. It is a strange kind of occurrence that I either remember all of, parts of or nothing of. The few people who have seen this happen to me all describe the same thing which is what I know of the episodes that I remember. Wandering aimlessly, jabbering on in what could be a foreign language, picking up objects to look at and talk to before putting them down and not always in the same place, waving and pointing at something that may or may not be there and staring off into space like Mr Spock on mogadon! There is little or no warning of these, which means that anything can happen to me if I am out and about when the brain takes off on its own. If I can, I get to a safe place while I fight it off or it wears off. Should I not be able to do this, I could walk in front of a bus and not know a thing about it, until I wake up in hospital or the morgue. You might say that I'm being morbid but it is a real risk for me and people need to know how serious a risk it is.

I was going to write about memory next but I can't remember what to write! Sorry, I couldn't resist that one. My memory has become fragmented, like what happens to your computer's files and you have to defrag it every week. The difference is that my brain doesn't have a defrag programme to put it right. It is said that the most powerful computer in the world doesn't have the power that the human brain has. It does, however, have one big advantage over our brains. It can be repaired and improved quite easily. Try installing a new memory in your brain and see how far you get. Not far. My memory still has tons of room, but something is preventing it from working like the steel trap that it used to be. Some things will stick in there and some things will be forgotten within seconds. This first blog post is taking a very long time for me to write, mainly because I keep forgetting where keys are on the keypad. Also I forget which word I'm supposed to be typing in. Sometimes I have to use a different word because I don't know the word that I was going to use. It gets awfully confusing. I have to keep reminding my self what the full date is because I can forget what century it is never mind the day.

When we are performing a task, we need to concentrate on it. The more difficult or complex a task is means that concentration has to be more intense and focused. This is another problem that slows progress for me. I used to be able to concentrate on something until it is finished, even though it would sometimes mean taking breaks and coming back to the task. I now get times when concentration levels are zero, which leads to a job not getting started at all for some time or it gets started and waits for months to be completed. Allied to concentration is attention span. What a minefield this can be! My attention span can often be measured in seconds. I might get settled in to start something, then just put it to one side immediately as if I had just done a day's work on it. Writing this post has involved about 4 breaks in concentration and once that my attention span cut off. After a cup of coffee, I managed to get my attention span back on track along with concentration.

Confusion sets in mostly when the memory has taken an unannounced break, which only needs to be a second or two long. That's when I have to find answers to questions like 'what am I doing?' 'why am I stood here?' 'where am I going?' 'did I make a coffee?' etc. Mostly, it is only involving minor situations. It can be more serious when it comes to important things. For example; some weeks ago, I had an appointment for an EEG test of my brainwaves. Memory takes a break, I get confused and miss the appointment. I nearly have a panic attack when I realise this but manage to focus on phoning the hospital to re-book it. The staff were brilliant and set my mind at ease before sending out another appointment that I kept. High anxiety levels make these situations seem worse than they are. Anxiety is great for warning us of danger, although too high a level of anxiety can lead to problems. I have had to learn effective management of my anxiety and it works for most of the time.

Depression is not the same as feeling depressed. I have learnt how to control my depression but there are times when it gets through to me. That is when I can not even get out of bed easily, never mind getting dressed and getting on with the day. Feeling depressed is a heavy kind of sadness that can be lifted by something happy happening to get a smile on your face, even if it takes a bit of time. I have more or less got control of my depression now, despite the lows that I still have sometimes. It's a great feeling when I beat it!

Well that about sums up what I am facing nowadays, on top of the ups and downs of repairing nature's mistake with my gender. Yes things are going wrong in my head and yes, I do need to know what it is. That's when I can start to take control using whatever means necessary. There will be at least one new post on here every day, depending on how eventful the day is. I am looking forward to you joining this blog and to your comments, so feel free to tell me your thoughts. I'll be back tomorrow. 'Bye for now xxx.