A Small Triumph Over Panic Attacks

It's a sunny Saturday in Yeovil and I'm still feeling good after Tuesday's news. Had another bill from the council asking me to pay community charge. I still want to know what's happened to my community charge benefit. I thought that the brown envelope would be news about my welfare benefit, that still hasn't been paid, but it was from the council and I very nearly had a panic attack. The good news is that I managed to prevent it from happening, so I must be still on that high with a good dose of confidence. On the 12th of June, I am going to clinic for the first full session with Sara. Afterwards, I will be hopping on the underground to meet a lovely friend who I only know from Facebook. I am looking forward to finally meeting Helen after all this time and hope that we have a good afternoon.

It's the Tuesday After a Couple of Down Days

Saturday evening's PM Live Weekender was a good show. I felt pretty good after a great day that carried on into a good show. Then Sunday happened. My permanent headache decided that I was going to have a lousy day. I don't like using painkillers at the best of times but I had no choice by Sunday afternoon. The painkillers I take for this situation are the strongest of their kind. Something so strong should be able to cope with keeping a permanent headache in check, shouldn't it? Usually it does, except for Sunday afternoon. Eventually, the pain was reduced to a loud roar, which is not the usual dull roar that I can cope with. It was like a 20 ton steam hammer whacking a massive block of steel into submission right next to me. Every few seconds, the clanging sound of that hammer whacking red hot metal would echo round my head. I tried going to bed and gave up on scriptwriting and recording a radio show. Get some sleep and do it on Monday. Good idea.

Getting through the night to Monday morning was a fresh challenge. Sleep was not easy to come by. A doze here and a doze there does not make for a good night's sleep. It was still steam hammer day in the foundry that had started work in my head. At least it was now only a 10 ton hammer clanging on the hot steel. So not much improvement for the head and Monday is mostly a blank to me. I do know that the show didn't get recorded again, and it wasn't going to get done on Tuesday either.

Tuesday arrives and my head is finally getting back to the dull roar that stays mostly in the background. I need to catch the local express coach to London at 10.30 this morning and I make it with time to spare for a cup of tea in the cafe on Yeovil bus station. I need some good news today to perk me up a bit after the last couple of days. A pleasant journey to London with the day turning into a bright and warm sunny day. That's a good start to the day. My favourite butty bar had Louisiana Chicken baguettes today but I missed the last one and settled for a chicken tikka wrap instead. As I walked down Fulham Palace Road to the clinic, I saw something that made me smile. On the opposite side of the road, two minutes from the clinic, was a brand new Caffee Nero! That boosted the mood a bit. When I met the lovely Sara Thomas, the electrologist who was going to start zapping those pesky genital hairs, I was immediately put at ease by her friendly demeanour. We talked about what the electrolysis would do and how I was to look after myself during the coming months. Then came the moment of truth. An assessment of the area to zap and a test patch to see how I cope with the treatment. It's not as painful as I thought it would be considering the sensitive area getting zapped. My first full session is in three weeks time on the 12th of June. Working out the time line of treatment puts the surgery at the end of the year. It could well be the greatest Christmas present ever. TTFN.

At Least the Weekend's Nearly Here

This morning at 9.00, I was waiting for Dr Fish to get sorted out for my appointment at Yeovil District Hospital. When I went in to see him, he asked if one of the doctors at Musgrove Park Hospital had seen me yet. I gave him a surprise when I told him that I had seen Mr Barnaby Sheridan and had also had the surgery. So, after he got over the surprise, he had a look at my hand to see how it was. I told him that there has been some improvement in sensation and grip, so he tested for it. That was surprise number two for him because it has only been three days since surgery and there are signs of improvement. He will be writing to Barnaby with the news. We agreed that there is quite a way to go before it's anything like normal but it is going in the right direction. What will be the next stage of investigation into my mental health condition? Getting a handle on the absence episodes is what. Dr Fish mentioned a word after a phone call to Charli about the episode I had in Sunderland. It was a word that I have been ready for since these episodes started. Epileptic. I don't know if it was a medical opinion or a slip of the tongue but the next stage of the investigation should give big clues. I will be spending some time in Musgrove Park Hospital again, this time 24 hours for an ambulatory EEG test. I will be wired up to a portable EEG machine for 24 hours to try to get a trace of my brainwaves during an episode. All I can say is 'bring it on' so that we can find out what is happening to me and get it under control.

It's nearly the weekend when I can relax and enjoy loads of NCIS, CSI and Law & Order. I am really looking forward to it after this week's events, it will be like therapy for me! Feeling quite good, as I do now, will set me up for a good weekend watching favourite telly shows and doing PM Live at 7pm UK time on Saturday. Email thisisplanetmaz@gmail.com for links and/or info. So as long as nothing earth shattering happens, I should be OK until Monday at least. So I will be posting again then.TTFN.

Feeling Sore, Trying to Catch Up and Get Some Sleep

Tuesday and I am so calm about being in the Day Surgery Unit at Musgrove Park Hospital. I thought that I would be nervous with a feeling of dreadful events coming to pass. How come I am not dreading having my elbow cut open and having someone poke around to put a main nerve right? Most of the people involved in this operation are total strangers that I have only just met. I am somewhat amazed at the confidence that I am showing in these people. With the way my mind has been behaving in recent times, I would have bet money on me being a nervous wreck on this day. Now that crunch time has arrived, I am in the operating theatre laughing and joking with the people who are going to be attempting to repair my elbow. So I wilfully lie down and accept the I V valve being inserted into the back of my hand before the oxygen mask descends onto my face. "Take a few deep breaths" is the last thing I hear until I start to wake up in the recovery room. My first feeling is of the ventilator pipe sliding out of my throat. I hear a voice but don't know what it is saying at first. Then I hear my name and start to focus on my surroundings as well as I can without my glasses. The bed starts to move and I am soon back in the ward where I walked from about an hour or so before. On the chair is my dressing gown that I hung up in theatre earlier. Now I just need to wait for my lift home. I got plenty of reading done and most of the Planet Maz script written and watched people coming and going until, just before 7pm, my lift arrived. I had been getting a plentiful supply of tea and biscuits while I wiled away the time until I left for home. I did make a few fans while I was there and the link to the Planet Maz Radio site is being passed around and shared. The team were brilliant and there will be mentions for them on Thursday's PM Live Midweek, so I hope they will all be listening.

Wednesday is supposed to be my pay day except that the benefits office has messed up again and I haven't been paid. To add insult to injury, the council has sent me a bill for council tax and I'm supposed to be receiving Housing and council tax benefits, so I have more incompetence to deal with tomorrow. Also tomorrow, I get to take the padded bandage off my elbow. Talking of which, I hope that I get a better night's sleep tonight. I am not someone who can lie on their back and go to sleep. I have to elevate my arm so I have to sleep on my back. I don't like it at all. So I'll try to get some better sleep than I had last night. At least Planet Maz got recorded and uploaded successfully. That's about all for now. Let's see what else can go wrong tomorrow. TTFN.

Elbow Repair Day Begins

It's 5.40am and I'm having a weak black coffee to get myself going. I think another one will be needed to get to work on my addled brain. All I have to do now is get a quick shower and get dressed. Then I shall be ready for Carl to pick me up at 7am.

I am feeling calm at the moment, just thinking that I will be happier when it's all done and dusted. When we get to the Day Surgery Unit at Musgrove Park Hospital will, I think, be the time when the butterflies start practising somersaults for the Olympics. I reckon that Carl will be a calming influence though. He has that kind of calming demeanour about him and is quite soft spoken. No doubt we will be having a giggle or two on the journey, as our senses of humour tend to get some kind of energy when we meet up. I hope that I shall be lively enough to post on here tonight, otherwise I will be back tomorrow.TTFN.

Time to Catch Up and Think of Tomorrow

It's Monday 14th of May and the last few days have been annoying to say the least. My permanent headache has been getting ideas above its station and the dongle didn't quite make it to the end of Saturday's PM Live show. Also, the morning routine was worse than normal on Saturday with a more powerful absence that lasted a lot longer than usual. I can put up with the first hour or so of the day being a blank. When it's just remembering sitting on the side of my bed wearing pyjamas, then nothing until lunch time and I'm sat in an armchair in the living room fully dressed, then it disturbs me. What happened to the morning? What had I been doing? I have no idea apart from the obvious, that is getting dressed and coming downstairs to have a hot drink or two. Yes I had made at least one cup of tea and drank it or them. I don't think I fell down the stairs or anything because I didn't feel sore anywhere and there was no furniture moved about or anything like that, so not a lot to go on. It could be that my brain switched off when the headache went into overdrive. That's the only thing I can think of because it was giving me some heavy duty aggro. I kept fairly quiet until it was time for PM Live. Sunday was spent catching up with some favourite telly shows (NCIS & CSI for those of you who don't know). I went to bed at 1am thinking that I could have a lie in as I didn't need to go anywhere until the afternoon today. So I woke up at about 6.45am and could not get back to sleep. I still don't feel too tired and I have to be up by 5.30am at the latest.


It's tomorrow that I get to see the gorgeous Dr Barney Sheridan again. In the morning, he will be playing with my elbow while I have a snooze. This little job should give me a useful left arm again as the Ulnar Nerve needs to be decompressed at the elbow. Being right handed, I tend to take my left arm for granted until I can't use it properly. That is when a right handed person realises how important the left arm really is and, I dare say, it's the same the other way round as well.


Right. It's getting on and I want to get a bath and hair wash before bed, so I will bid you a good night and pleasant dreams. If you think I'm calm about tomorrow, think of the swan gliding across the lake so serenely. Then remember that it is paddling like mad underneath. I'm not quite so serene inside as my writing may suggest.TTFN.

A Stark Contrast Between Two Days

Tuesday was quite a good day, when it got going. I don't remember much about the morning, even though I know that it is in my brain somewhere. Tuesday afternoon was good and got warmer as the walking group got further along on the health walk. It was a good feeling to get to the Gateway for a cup of tea. I had a chat with Carl and sorted out the lift to Taunton next Tuesday. I also got a couple of things done at the dole office and council office in Yeovil. In the evening I managed to get caught up with emails and messages before deciding to leave the Planet Maz show until Wednesday morning

Wednesday got off to a slow start with this morning's absence taking it's time to settle down. The first indication of a problematic morning was when I had an episode of partly waking up. This has only happened once before and it scared me plenty then. It is a weird experience that I don't like one little bit. My brain decided that it was time to wake up so it did, partly. I could hear the clocks ticking and the traffic outside. I could feel the duvet keeping me warm and the bed underneath me. I could feel my pyjamas against my skin but I couldn't see anything. My body was still asleep. My brain had not yet woke it up and it stayed like that for quite some time. When it did join the rest of me in the land of the living, the morning was well over half gone. I sat on the side of the bed, moving my arms around, picking things up then putting them down again. Sometimes I examined an item before putting it down again. It was lunchtime before I had myself together enough to start my day, or afternoon. It took a while for me to focus on scripting Planet Maz, which can take a few hours of research to collect information before writing the script. Recording the show is mostly done in one take since I got back into working to time constraints. Today it was done in three or four takes, I can't be sure exactly.

So Wednesday has been a mixed up day. Scary stuff, weird stuff, slow working stuff and a fragmented memory all making it a difficult day. Even now, I am having difficulty typing this post. I can't find the keys that I want to get this finished, which slows down my typing speed that wasn't the fastest anyway. Thursday will be more of a regular day with a bit of luck.TTFN.

Deja Vu?

Trying to remember when I last blogged on here is like deja vu, when you have a recollection of something but you don't remember when. My memory is often confused these days, what with sorting out my state benefits, trying to remember to post on here then trying to remember what I was blogging about! Since the onslaught of these mental health problems, my memory has gone quite crazy in its own way. There are times when I am OK at remembering that I've just put the kettle on and I go and make the cuppa when it boils. Other times I could be sat here and wonder where that mug of tea came from. I have been into shops and when I'm outside I go back into the shop to do the shopping again, despite having a bagful of what I just purchased. I might occasionally get asked if I forgot something, to which I would look confused and say that I haven't bought any thing yet. Then I would be politely shown my shopping and make an embarrassed exit. Regular shops I go to are getting used to me.

It's Monday anyway and the start of another week to mess up.  I didn't sleep well last night due to someone's abusive texts and phone calls for no good reason. I had just about got over Wednesday's panic attack and was looking forward to a good sleep and starting the new week refreshed. Instead I got some texts and phone calls that became abusive and threatening from someone who should have known better. Yes, it unsettled me and no, I didn't get much sleep. Consequently, I feel totally exhausted now and about the same as I did on Friday.

This morning, I had a lengthy absence which I can only remember flashes of. I was wandering between the lounge and kitchen while I was asking whoever was there (which actually was nobody) what I should be doing. I think I kept looking out at the weather but can't be sure if that was the reason I kept looking out of the window. I lost a fair chunk of the morning to this absence and my well-being went mostly downhill from then on. I was hoping to record Planet Maz later but I think that will be another job for tomorrow. That's all for now. TTFN.

Getting Over the Horror

Two and a half days since that nightmare panic attack and finally I'm starting to feel something of my more usual self. It feels like Wednesday morning was such a long time ago and in a different time or on another planet. Part of me says that it was all a bad dream and it feels like it. There was such a surreal feeling about the attack that I had no real idea of what was happening to me. Even now, late on Friday night, I have some difficulty believing that it was a true happening. It's like having that part of me trying to deny what happened and calling it a bad dream while another, more rational, part of me is telling me the truth about that morning. Is that why I can't remember much of it? Is my brain trying to compensate in some way for the upset caused by that panic attack? I don't know. What small talent I have for psychology isn't enough to really work it out. I just don't want another one like that. Just the thought of it scares the bejabers out of me. I am glad that I'm now coming through the other side of it and starting to smile again. TTFN.

This Doesn't Feel like Me

It's the day after my worst ever panic attack and I don't quite recognise myself. I slept for about 13 hours, which does seem to happen a lot after bad days. It has taken me a while to recognise myself today. Getting my brain to work is a big challenge, as is getting the words into my mouth. Stuttering and stammering have returned with a vengeance which makes saying much more than 'hello' a difficult process. Despite this impedance, I have tried to broadcast PM Live tonight. After about 35 to 40 minutes, I couldn't go on and cut it short. This post will also be short as I still feel like shit and have decided, after receiving two dismal letters from the DWP about my benefits, that I will make sure that I use the 'additional information' section of the form that I will again have to fill in to tell them exactly what they have caused for me. One of the letters tells me that they are looking at my claim for disability living allowance again and this can take 11 weeks. This letter took one week to get to me, so ten weeks from now will be the 19th of July. By that time, I should be receiving my due allowances if they do their work properly. The other letter tells me what I already know about my other benefit. I would much prefer to be working for a living but I have been told not to drive due to my mental health problems. As a professional driver, I am now unable to perform the duties that I have trained for. I am at the mercy of a bunch of people who make judgements on people from words on paper or a computer screen. I sometimes wonder what they would say if they were treated this way. TTFN.

A Day to Forget

If ever I have felt alone, it must have been on a day like today. It started when I logged into my bank account to make some payments. There was no money in there and my benefit money should have been paid in. I felt the stress level rising but I could only focus on one thing. Where was my money? I kept asking myself "Why has it not been paid in?". Part of me was telling me to go and find out and the rest of me was screaming thoughts of not being able to pay the bills or buy any food. The screaming thoughts kept on at me. I went into the bathroom to start getting ready to go to the jobcentre to ask what was happening with my money. When I came out of the bathroom, I could see that the postman had delivered a letter that looked official. It must be about my benefit. I rushed downstairs to find that it was from the benefit office, only it was a form to fill in. To make matters worse, it was a form that I had already filled in and posted 2 weeks ago. I couldn't work it out, my brain got confused and I started to lose control. Rage, confusion and stress all came together and the screaming thoughts got louder and more intense, until the screaming came from me. I tried to climb the walls to escape the noise in my head. This didn't work. The noise kept on, and o, and on. Louder and louder in my head. I wanted my head to explode to give me some peace but all I could do was to scream out more and more. Tears mixed with the sticky nasal mucous mess that seemed to get everywhere as I surrendered to the screaming and sank to the floor in a sobbing and quivering mess, which is where my friend, Ade, found me still sobbing and trying to work out where I was.

I haven't dramatised that account of a full on, all guns blazing panic attack. If anything it is an understatement because that is all I can remember of an incident that lasted for about an hour. It could be that the worst of it has been blanked out in my memory. If that's the case, I don't want to know the rest. It is nearly 12 hours after the attack ended that I am writing this. I feel like I've just done a 48 hour working week in one day. This has been the worst panic attack yet. I'm not sure if I could handle another one like it. I can't find the words to describe how it has left me. This exhaustion isn't like any kind of exhaustion that I have felt before. Everything seems to be going in slow motion. I've recorded the planet maz show and can't remember it. Now I feel as though I'm going to pass out but my mind is driving me on to finish this post. where is the end of it? I can't find the end of this post can someone help meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee,,,ssssssss

Mammograms & Getting a Lift

First job this morning, after I came back to Earth from the absence planet, was to write a letter for Dr Fish about the absences that I'm still having. This is because that infernal 'Sod's Law' had a go at the EEG test and the test went well, because I didn't have an absence and the result was normal. So it looks like I will have to go for an extended EEG which could mean an overnight stay in hospital. I'll find out when I see Dr Fish on May 18th.


Today's medical adventure was the 3 yearly mammogram. Yes I know it's uncomfortable but it can save your life girls. I would rather have a few minutes of discomfort than have to deal with the consequences of breast cancer. Early detection is vital, so get the job done when you get that letter girls. My mum's second cancer battle was with breast cancer which she won because it was detected early and only a partial mastectomy was needed. I'm not ignoring fellas neither because they can develope breast cancer and should check for lumps or skin thickening when they check for testicular lumps and bumps. Don't laugh guys because it is totally true. If you are concerned about a lump or skin thickening around your nipples, get to your doctor and get it checked out. It's your life so look after it.


Next thing to do was catch up with the walking group at the Gateway in Yeovil. Just a few minutes walk from Goldenstones Leisure Centre (where the mammography unit was parked) is the Gateway where we go for coffee and a natter after the walk. I missed the walk but caught up for the coffee and conversation. We're a sociable lot and that is why I got started with them in the first place. In the normal course of things, my confidence would be sky high and I wouldn't think twice about getting up in front of a few thousand people and putting on a disco or a roadshow event. One of the effects on me, with the mental health problems I have had, has been virtually zero confidence to do anything. Two things have helped me to build it up again. One has been Planet Maz Radio and the other was the health walks. I'm not ready for the Wembley Arena yet but my confidence is building up. As far as this is concerned, my next confidence booster will be a bit of public speaking and if I can deal with that, I will be well on my way to previous levels of confidence. Today, I had the confidence to ask for help to get to Musgrove Park Hospital in two weeks time. Guess what? It worked! I now have an offer of a lift to get to hospital. Details will be arranged next week. Not a bad day, except for a couple of minor absences. TTFN.