A Day to Forget

If ever I have felt alone, it must have been on a day like today. It started when I logged into my bank account to make some payments. There was no money in there and my benefit money should have been paid in. I felt the stress level rising but I could only focus on one thing. Where was my money? I kept asking myself "Why has it not been paid in?". Part of me was telling me to go and find out and the rest of me was screaming thoughts of not being able to pay the bills or buy any food. The screaming thoughts kept on at me. I went into the bathroom to start getting ready to go to the jobcentre to ask what was happening with my money. When I came out of the bathroom, I could see that the postman had delivered a letter that looked official. It must be about my benefit. I rushed downstairs to find that it was from the benefit office, only it was a form to fill in. To make matters worse, it was a form that I had already filled in and posted 2 weeks ago. I couldn't work it out, my brain got confused and I started to lose control. Rage, confusion and stress all came together and the screaming thoughts got louder and more intense, until the screaming came from me. I tried to climb the walls to escape the noise in my head. This didn't work. The noise kept on, and o, and on. Louder and louder in my head. I wanted my head to explode to give me some peace but all I could do was to scream out more and more. Tears mixed with the sticky nasal mucous mess that seemed to get everywhere as I surrendered to the screaming and sank to the floor in a sobbing and quivering mess, which is where my friend, Ade, found me still sobbing and trying to work out where I was.

I haven't dramatised that account of a full on, all guns blazing panic attack. If anything it is an understatement because that is all I can remember of an incident that lasted for about an hour. It could be that the worst of it has been blanked out in my memory. If that's the case, I don't want to know the rest. It is nearly 12 hours after the attack ended that I am writing this. I feel like I've just done a 48 hour working week in one day. This has been the worst panic attack yet. I'm not sure if I could handle another one like it. I can't find the words to describe how it has left me. This exhaustion isn't like any kind of exhaustion that I have felt before. Everything seems to be going in slow motion. I've recorded the planet maz show and can't remember it. Now I feel as though I'm going to pass out but my mind is driving me on to finish this post. where is the end of it? I can't find the end of this post can someone help meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee,,,ssssssss