Last post

The title says it all. This is the last post for 'It's Not Contagious', so I'll let you know what's been happening and what the future holds for this blog. Yes there are plans for it within PMR, which I will give you the basic info about later. First things first though, here's the latest about my mental health.

Last week, I spent 24 hours with a load of electrodes glued to my head and a portable EEG recorder attached to my waist by a belt. I had a few different instances of the mental anomolies that have been plaguing me for so long. Now that the neuroscience department at Musgrove Park Hospital has some data to look at, as well as my written record of events, Dr Fish has a fighting chance of finding out what's wrong. I see him in September to find out what his findings are. News of this will be reported in Planet Maz on PMR, on my facebook page and in Planet Life.

So this blog has done it's job and there are plans to recycle this into an e-zine type of thing called Planet Life. Work is to start soon on this project, which will be a part of Planet Maz Radio, with news of what's happening around PMR and in my transition. As the title suggests, Planet Life is based around life on Planet Maz. Since I had to give up publishing The Right Future, due to printing costs being out of my financial reach, I have had many people asking me when it will be published again. Unfortunately, TRF was too successful too soon. It hadn't developed enough to warrant charging for it and it was not very attractive to advertisers, because they want to see circulation in the thousands and TRF was only in the low hundreds. Planet Life will be available as a pdf to download and print. Exactly what is going to be in it, is still being planned. A lot of what was in TRF will be adapted to suit this type of publishing and will be as current as TRF was. It is hoped to eventually publish Planet Life on a monthly basis, but it will be published on a two monthly basis to start with. It still needs to be designed and formatted to suit the image and feel of Planet Maz. I'm quite excited about this as well as nervous about doing something so new to me. I think I have another steep learning curve coming up! TTFN.

A Small Triumph Over Panic Attacks

It's a sunny Saturday in Yeovil and I'm still feeling good after Tuesday's news. Had another bill from the council asking me to pay community charge. I still want to know what's happened to my community charge benefit. I thought that the brown envelope would be news about my welfare benefit, that still hasn't been paid, but it was from the council and I very nearly had a panic attack. The good news is that I managed to prevent it from happening, so I must be still on that high with a good dose of confidence. On the 12th of June, I am going to clinic for the first full session with Sara. Afterwards, I will be hopping on the underground to meet a lovely friend who I only know from Facebook. I am looking forward to finally meeting Helen after all this time and hope that we have a good afternoon.

It's the Tuesday After a Couple of Down Days

Saturday evening's PM Live Weekender was a good show. I felt pretty good after a great day that carried on into a good show. Then Sunday happened. My permanent headache decided that I was going to have a lousy day. I don't like using painkillers at the best of times but I had no choice by Sunday afternoon. The painkillers I take for this situation are the strongest of their kind. Something so strong should be able to cope with keeping a permanent headache in check, shouldn't it? Usually it does, except for Sunday afternoon. Eventually, the pain was reduced to a loud roar, which is not the usual dull roar that I can cope with. It was like a 20 ton steam hammer whacking a massive block of steel into submission right next to me. Every few seconds, the clanging sound of that hammer whacking red hot metal would echo round my head. I tried going to bed and gave up on scriptwriting and recording a radio show. Get some sleep and do it on Monday. Good idea.

Getting through the night to Monday morning was a fresh challenge. Sleep was not easy to come by. A doze here and a doze there does not make for a good night's sleep. It was still steam hammer day in the foundry that had started work in my head. At least it was now only a 10 ton hammer clanging on the hot steel. So not much improvement for the head and Monday is mostly a blank to me. I do know that the show didn't get recorded again, and it wasn't going to get done on Tuesday either.

Tuesday arrives and my head is finally getting back to the dull roar that stays mostly in the background. I need to catch the local express coach to London at 10.30 this morning and I make it with time to spare for a cup of tea in the cafe on Yeovil bus station. I need some good news today to perk me up a bit after the last couple of days. A pleasant journey to London with the day turning into a bright and warm sunny day. That's a good start to the day. My favourite butty bar had Louisiana Chicken baguettes today but I missed the last one and settled for a chicken tikka wrap instead. As I walked down Fulham Palace Road to the clinic, I saw something that made me smile. On the opposite side of the road, two minutes from the clinic, was a brand new Caffee Nero! That boosted the mood a bit. When I met the lovely Sara Thomas, the electrologist who was going to start zapping those pesky genital hairs, I was immediately put at ease by her friendly demeanour. We talked about what the electrolysis would do and how I was to look after myself during the coming months. Then came the moment of truth. An assessment of the area to zap and a test patch to see how I cope with the treatment. It's not as painful as I thought it would be considering the sensitive area getting zapped. My first full session is in three weeks time on the 12th of June. Working out the time line of treatment puts the surgery at the end of the year. It could well be the greatest Christmas present ever. TTFN.

At Least the Weekend's Nearly Here

This morning at 9.00, I was waiting for Dr Fish to get sorted out for my appointment at Yeovil District Hospital. When I went in to see him, he asked if one of the doctors at Musgrove Park Hospital had seen me yet. I gave him a surprise when I told him that I had seen Mr Barnaby Sheridan and had also had the surgery. So, after he got over the surprise, he had a look at my hand to see how it was. I told him that there has been some improvement in sensation and grip, so he tested for it. That was surprise number two for him because it has only been three days since surgery and there are signs of improvement. He will be writing to Barnaby with the news. We agreed that there is quite a way to go before it's anything like normal but it is going in the right direction. What will be the next stage of investigation into my mental health condition? Getting a handle on the absence episodes is what. Dr Fish mentioned a word after a phone call to Charli about the episode I had in Sunderland. It was a word that I have been ready for since these episodes started. Epileptic. I don't know if it was a medical opinion or a slip of the tongue but the next stage of the investigation should give big clues. I will be spending some time in Musgrove Park Hospital again, this time 24 hours for an ambulatory EEG test. I will be wired up to a portable EEG machine for 24 hours to try to get a trace of my brainwaves during an episode. All I can say is 'bring it on' so that we can find out what is happening to me and get it under control.

It's nearly the weekend when I can relax and enjoy loads of NCIS, CSI and Law & Order. I am really looking forward to it after this week's events, it will be like therapy for me! Feeling quite good, as I do now, will set me up for a good weekend watching favourite telly shows and doing PM Live at 7pm UK time on Saturday. Email thisisplanetmaz@gmail.com for links and/or info. So as long as nothing earth shattering happens, I should be OK until Monday at least. So I will be posting again then.TTFN.

Feeling Sore, Trying to Catch Up and Get Some Sleep

Tuesday and I am so calm about being in the Day Surgery Unit at Musgrove Park Hospital. I thought that I would be nervous with a feeling of dreadful events coming to pass. How come I am not dreading having my elbow cut open and having someone poke around to put a main nerve right? Most of the people involved in this operation are total strangers that I have only just met. I am somewhat amazed at the confidence that I am showing in these people. With the way my mind has been behaving in recent times, I would have bet money on me being a nervous wreck on this day. Now that crunch time has arrived, I am in the operating theatre laughing and joking with the people who are going to be attempting to repair my elbow. So I wilfully lie down and accept the I V valve being inserted into the back of my hand before the oxygen mask descends onto my face. "Take a few deep breaths" is the last thing I hear until I start to wake up in the recovery room. My first feeling is of the ventilator pipe sliding out of my throat. I hear a voice but don't know what it is saying at first. Then I hear my name and start to focus on my surroundings as well as I can without my glasses. The bed starts to move and I am soon back in the ward where I walked from about an hour or so before. On the chair is my dressing gown that I hung up in theatre earlier. Now I just need to wait for my lift home. I got plenty of reading done and most of the Planet Maz script written and watched people coming and going until, just before 7pm, my lift arrived. I had been getting a plentiful supply of tea and biscuits while I wiled away the time until I left for home. I did make a few fans while I was there and the link to the Planet Maz Radio site is being passed around and shared. The team were brilliant and there will be mentions for them on Thursday's PM Live Midweek, so I hope they will all be listening.

Wednesday is supposed to be my pay day except that the benefits office has messed up again and I haven't been paid. To add insult to injury, the council has sent me a bill for council tax and I'm supposed to be receiving Housing and council tax benefits, so I have more incompetence to deal with tomorrow. Also tomorrow, I get to take the padded bandage off my elbow. Talking of which, I hope that I get a better night's sleep tonight. I am not someone who can lie on their back and go to sleep. I have to elevate my arm so I have to sleep on my back. I don't like it at all. So I'll try to get some better sleep than I had last night. At least Planet Maz got recorded and uploaded successfully. That's about all for now. Let's see what else can go wrong tomorrow. TTFN.

Elbow Repair Day Begins

It's 5.40am and I'm having a weak black coffee to get myself going. I think another one will be needed to get to work on my addled brain. All I have to do now is get a quick shower and get dressed. Then I shall be ready for Carl to pick me up at 7am.

I am feeling calm at the moment, just thinking that I will be happier when it's all done and dusted. When we get to the Day Surgery Unit at Musgrove Park Hospital will, I think, be the time when the butterflies start practising somersaults for the Olympics. I reckon that Carl will be a calming influence though. He has that kind of calming demeanour about him and is quite soft spoken. No doubt we will be having a giggle or two on the journey, as our senses of humour tend to get some kind of energy when we meet up. I hope that I shall be lively enough to post on here tonight, otherwise I will be back tomorrow.TTFN.

Time to Catch Up and Think of Tomorrow

It's Monday 14th of May and the last few days have been annoying to say the least. My permanent headache has been getting ideas above its station and the dongle didn't quite make it to the end of Saturday's PM Live show. Also, the morning routine was worse than normal on Saturday with a more powerful absence that lasted a lot longer than usual. I can put up with the first hour or so of the day being a blank. When it's just remembering sitting on the side of my bed wearing pyjamas, then nothing until lunch time and I'm sat in an armchair in the living room fully dressed, then it disturbs me. What happened to the morning? What had I been doing? I have no idea apart from the obvious, that is getting dressed and coming downstairs to have a hot drink or two. Yes I had made at least one cup of tea and drank it or them. I don't think I fell down the stairs or anything because I didn't feel sore anywhere and there was no furniture moved about or anything like that, so not a lot to go on. It could be that my brain switched off when the headache went into overdrive. That's the only thing I can think of because it was giving me some heavy duty aggro. I kept fairly quiet until it was time for PM Live. Sunday was spent catching up with some favourite telly shows (NCIS & CSI for those of you who don't know). I went to bed at 1am thinking that I could have a lie in as I didn't need to go anywhere until the afternoon today. So I woke up at about 6.45am and could not get back to sleep. I still don't feel too tired and I have to be up by 5.30am at the latest.


It's tomorrow that I get to see the gorgeous Dr Barney Sheridan again. In the morning, he will be playing with my elbow while I have a snooze. This little job should give me a useful left arm again as the Ulnar Nerve needs to be decompressed at the elbow. Being right handed, I tend to take my left arm for granted until I can't use it properly. That is when a right handed person realises how important the left arm really is and, I dare say, it's the same the other way round as well.


Right. It's getting on and I want to get a bath and hair wash before bed, so I will bid you a good night and pleasant dreams. If you think I'm calm about tomorrow, think of the swan gliding across the lake so serenely. Then remember that it is paddling like mad underneath. I'm not quite so serene inside as my writing may suggest.TTFN.

A Stark Contrast Between Two Days

Tuesday was quite a good day, when it got going. I don't remember much about the morning, even though I know that it is in my brain somewhere. Tuesday afternoon was good and got warmer as the walking group got further along on the health walk. It was a good feeling to get to the Gateway for a cup of tea. I had a chat with Carl and sorted out the lift to Taunton next Tuesday. I also got a couple of things done at the dole office and council office in Yeovil. In the evening I managed to get caught up with emails and messages before deciding to leave the Planet Maz show until Wednesday morning

Wednesday got off to a slow start with this morning's absence taking it's time to settle down. The first indication of a problematic morning was when I had an episode of partly waking up. This has only happened once before and it scared me plenty then. It is a weird experience that I don't like one little bit. My brain decided that it was time to wake up so it did, partly. I could hear the clocks ticking and the traffic outside. I could feel the duvet keeping me warm and the bed underneath me. I could feel my pyjamas against my skin but I couldn't see anything. My body was still asleep. My brain had not yet woke it up and it stayed like that for quite some time. When it did join the rest of me in the land of the living, the morning was well over half gone. I sat on the side of the bed, moving my arms around, picking things up then putting them down again. Sometimes I examined an item before putting it down again. It was lunchtime before I had myself together enough to start my day, or afternoon. It took a while for me to focus on scripting Planet Maz, which can take a few hours of research to collect information before writing the script. Recording the show is mostly done in one take since I got back into working to time constraints. Today it was done in three or four takes, I can't be sure exactly.

So Wednesday has been a mixed up day. Scary stuff, weird stuff, slow working stuff and a fragmented memory all making it a difficult day. Even now, I am having difficulty typing this post. I can't find the keys that I want to get this finished, which slows down my typing speed that wasn't the fastest anyway. Thursday will be more of a regular day with a bit of luck.TTFN.

Deja Vu?

Trying to remember when I last blogged on here is like deja vu, when you have a recollection of something but you don't remember when. My memory is often confused these days, what with sorting out my state benefits, trying to remember to post on here then trying to remember what I was blogging about! Since the onslaught of these mental health problems, my memory has gone quite crazy in its own way. There are times when I am OK at remembering that I've just put the kettle on and I go and make the cuppa when it boils. Other times I could be sat here and wonder where that mug of tea came from. I have been into shops and when I'm outside I go back into the shop to do the shopping again, despite having a bagful of what I just purchased. I might occasionally get asked if I forgot something, to which I would look confused and say that I haven't bought any thing yet. Then I would be politely shown my shopping and make an embarrassed exit. Regular shops I go to are getting used to me.

It's Monday anyway and the start of another week to mess up.  I didn't sleep well last night due to someone's abusive texts and phone calls for no good reason. I had just about got over Wednesday's panic attack and was looking forward to a good sleep and starting the new week refreshed. Instead I got some texts and phone calls that became abusive and threatening from someone who should have known better. Yes, it unsettled me and no, I didn't get much sleep. Consequently, I feel totally exhausted now and about the same as I did on Friday.

This morning, I had a lengthy absence which I can only remember flashes of. I was wandering between the lounge and kitchen while I was asking whoever was there (which actually was nobody) what I should be doing. I think I kept looking out at the weather but can't be sure if that was the reason I kept looking out of the window. I lost a fair chunk of the morning to this absence and my well-being went mostly downhill from then on. I was hoping to record Planet Maz later but I think that will be another job for tomorrow. That's all for now. TTFN.

Getting Over the Horror

Two and a half days since that nightmare panic attack and finally I'm starting to feel something of my more usual self. It feels like Wednesday morning was such a long time ago and in a different time or on another planet. Part of me says that it was all a bad dream and it feels like it. There was such a surreal feeling about the attack that I had no real idea of what was happening to me. Even now, late on Friday night, I have some difficulty believing that it was a true happening. It's like having that part of me trying to deny what happened and calling it a bad dream while another, more rational, part of me is telling me the truth about that morning. Is that why I can't remember much of it? Is my brain trying to compensate in some way for the upset caused by that panic attack? I don't know. What small talent I have for psychology isn't enough to really work it out. I just don't want another one like that. Just the thought of it scares the bejabers out of me. I am glad that I'm now coming through the other side of it and starting to smile again. TTFN.

This Doesn't Feel like Me

It's the day after my worst ever panic attack and I don't quite recognise myself. I slept for about 13 hours, which does seem to happen a lot after bad days. It has taken me a while to recognise myself today. Getting my brain to work is a big challenge, as is getting the words into my mouth. Stuttering and stammering have returned with a vengeance which makes saying much more than 'hello' a difficult process. Despite this impedance, I have tried to broadcast PM Live tonight. After about 35 to 40 minutes, I couldn't go on and cut it short. This post will also be short as I still feel like shit and have decided, after receiving two dismal letters from the DWP about my benefits, that I will make sure that I use the 'additional information' section of the form that I will again have to fill in to tell them exactly what they have caused for me. One of the letters tells me that they are looking at my claim for disability living allowance again and this can take 11 weeks. This letter took one week to get to me, so ten weeks from now will be the 19th of July. By that time, I should be receiving my due allowances if they do their work properly. The other letter tells me what I already know about my other benefit. I would much prefer to be working for a living but I have been told not to drive due to my mental health problems. As a professional driver, I am now unable to perform the duties that I have trained for. I am at the mercy of a bunch of people who make judgements on people from words on paper or a computer screen. I sometimes wonder what they would say if they were treated this way. TTFN.

A Day to Forget

If ever I have felt alone, it must have been on a day like today. It started when I logged into my bank account to make some payments. There was no money in there and my benefit money should have been paid in. I felt the stress level rising but I could only focus on one thing. Where was my money? I kept asking myself "Why has it not been paid in?". Part of me was telling me to go and find out and the rest of me was screaming thoughts of not being able to pay the bills or buy any food. The screaming thoughts kept on at me. I went into the bathroom to start getting ready to go to the jobcentre to ask what was happening with my money. When I came out of the bathroom, I could see that the postman had delivered a letter that looked official. It must be about my benefit. I rushed downstairs to find that it was from the benefit office, only it was a form to fill in. To make matters worse, it was a form that I had already filled in and posted 2 weeks ago. I couldn't work it out, my brain got confused and I started to lose control. Rage, confusion and stress all came together and the screaming thoughts got louder and more intense, until the screaming came from me. I tried to climb the walls to escape the noise in my head. This didn't work. The noise kept on, and o, and on. Louder and louder in my head. I wanted my head to explode to give me some peace but all I could do was to scream out more and more. Tears mixed with the sticky nasal mucous mess that seemed to get everywhere as I surrendered to the screaming and sank to the floor in a sobbing and quivering mess, which is where my friend, Ade, found me still sobbing and trying to work out where I was.

I haven't dramatised that account of a full on, all guns blazing panic attack. If anything it is an understatement because that is all I can remember of an incident that lasted for about an hour. It could be that the worst of it has been blanked out in my memory. If that's the case, I don't want to know the rest. It is nearly 12 hours after the attack ended that I am writing this. I feel like I've just done a 48 hour working week in one day. This has been the worst panic attack yet. I'm not sure if I could handle another one like it. I can't find the words to describe how it has left me. This exhaustion isn't like any kind of exhaustion that I have felt before. Everything seems to be going in slow motion. I've recorded the planet maz show and can't remember it. Now I feel as though I'm going to pass out but my mind is driving me on to finish this post. where is the end of it? I can't find the end of this post can someone help meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee,,,ssssssss

Mammograms & Getting a Lift

First job this morning, after I came back to Earth from the absence planet, was to write a letter for Dr Fish about the absences that I'm still having. This is because that infernal 'Sod's Law' had a go at the EEG test and the test went well, because I didn't have an absence and the result was normal. So it looks like I will have to go for an extended EEG which could mean an overnight stay in hospital. I'll find out when I see Dr Fish on May 18th.


Today's medical adventure was the 3 yearly mammogram. Yes I know it's uncomfortable but it can save your life girls. I would rather have a few minutes of discomfort than have to deal with the consequences of breast cancer. Early detection is vital, so get the job done when you get that letter girls. My mum's second cancer battle was with breast cancer which she won because it was detected early and only a partial mastectomy was needed. I'm not ignoring fellas neither because they can develope breast cancer and should check for lumps or skin thickening when they check for testicular lumps and bumps. Don't laugh guys because it is totally true. If you are concerned about a lump or skin thickening around your nipples, get to your doctor and get it checked out. It's your life so look after it.


Next thing to do was catch up with the walking group at the Gateway in Yeovil. Just a few minutes walk from Goldenstones Leisure Centre (where the mammography unit was parked) is the Gateway where we go for coffee and a natter after the walk. I missed the walk but caught up for the coffee and conversation. We're a sociable lot and that is why I got started with them in the first place. In the normal course of things, my confidence would be sky high and I wouldn't think twice about getting up in front of a few thousand people and putting on a disco or a roadshow event. One of the effects on me, with the mental health problems I have had, has been virtually zero confidence to do anything. Two things have helped me to build it up again. One has been Planet Maz Radio and the other was the health walks. I'm not ready for the Wembley Arena yet but my confidence is building up. As far as this is concerned, my next confidence booster will be a bit of public speaking and if I can deal with that, I will be well on my way to previous levels of confidence. Today, I had the confidence to ask for help to get to Musgrove Park Hospital in two weeks time. Guess what? It worked! I now have an offer of a lift to get to hospital. Details will be arranged next week. Not a bad day, except for a couple of minor absences. TTFN.

A Good Day, Topped Off With Some Glam (Rock That is!)

Yes, music of my youth is ringing around the room as I write this and I'm loving every single second of it. Enough of that, what about today? Well it started a long while ago, if I can remember it. Uuummmm, I got up which is a good start to the day. Had a phone call from Yeovil District Hospital with an appointment to see Dr Fish, my neurologist, at 9am on the 18th of May (3 days after my elbow op). I was told that a letter of confirmation would be sent. Not long after that call, a letter arrived from Yeovil District Hospital. I thought no way is it from Dr Fish. To my surprise, it was! It wasn't about the appointment though. It was about the EEG test I had a while ago, which was normal. I have to send a letter about the absences and having a prolonged EEG test, which will probably mean an overnight stay in hospital. We might just find something out then, you never know. I'm starting to get used to the absences, as long as they aren't too serious or lasting too long. It's that bloody permanent headache that I really want to get rid of! If they're linked in some way, it could be a case of deal with one thing and the other will go away. Wouldn't that be brilliant!

Today, I spent some time with my debut novel and did a fair bit of work on it. I felt darn good when I decided to call it a day. I managed to get over a big stumbling block that has been giving me some grief. So I have now got my main pair of time sentinels almost ready to go to work on Earth's crippled planetary destiny course. If you're confused, don't worry about it because I am as well - and I'm writing it!!! OK, here's the brief synopsis for those who don't know what I'm on about. Perhaps I should read this as well. Time sentinels manage time in the universe and there is a situation with Earth's history that could mean universal meltdown due to the collapse of time. Not a good thing! Two time sentinels take on the job of correcting a situation that has never, in the history of time itself, occurred before. That is the basis of Crash of Destiny which is the first volume of the Time Sentinel Trilogy. Now I think I might know a bit about what I'm doing!

So much for sci fi. I think that's it for today. I wonder what's happening tomorrow? It's my second mammogram so I will be telling you something about that. Also, because that means I'll be missing the health walk again, I will be meeting the walking group in the cafe. Let's see what other trouble I can get into tomorrow! TTFN.

Shortest Day?

I am well confused now. I've been up for about an hour and the light is fading outside. It seems that yesterday's blog post was posted at 3.39 this morning. There's only me that could have done it, except that I don't remember actually writing it. I remember that PM Live went well without the Internet dropout that happened on Thursday's show. I can remember having a couple of chats on facebook, one with Hannah who had sent a friend request and one with one of the girls from Canada who I think was Marie. What we chatted about I don't remember unless I look it up. I can remember being given a bottle of beer, which I know I drank but don't remember. Alcohol induced memory loss? No, it takes a few more than one to do that to me!

That's a lot of blank spaces that I would rather not have. I have no idea what time I actually went to bed, all I know is that I went after 3.39am and woke up at 5.45pm, which has left me feeling totally shattered as if I have hardly slept. I am still confused about it all and will be going to bed quite soon to try and get back on track for tomorrow. The start of another week which might just be a bit more straightforward than the weekend I have just had. I can't think what else I was going to say so I'll sign off for now. TTFN.

Getting the Javelin From a Stranger

Up early on a Saturday morning after a bad night, feeling cream crackered after a few hours of poor sleep. I was wishing that I had been able to sleep better with the 9am appointment approaching quite fast and me getting somewhat nervous. I tell myself that it is only the javelin and I have had enough of them to be used to the procedure by now. The trouble is that Doctor Ballam, who usually gives me the javelin, is not available so a stand in doctor will do it. That's what was making me rather nervous.

Sat in the waiting area I felt the butterflies getting ready to do somersaults, when a cheery voice called my name. It was the smiling Doctor Freeman. She started some banter as we entered the consulting room and I started to settle down. So, all went well with the javelin in the end and Planet Maz Radio got a new fan. Before I left the health centre, PMR got two more fans behind the reception counter. The health centre is situated inside Boots chemist in Yeovil, which makes sense because I live about 250 yards away from Boots. On the way out of boots, I saw my friend Trish on the No 7 counter so we had a quick chat and on of the other girls in the cosmetics department came over and ended up as another PMR fan! 

It doesn't stop there neither. As I was preparing tonight's show, I saw a notification that there was a fan asking to join the PMR fan group on facebook. No problem, I'll just click your tick and there we have another fan. The next surprise came after the show. A totally out of the blue friend request from someone who has been enjoying my comments on a mutual friend's facebook posts brought another fan to PMR. So it has turned out to be a pretty darn good Saturday and I've got a new pet lump for the next 12 weeks.TTFN.

New Specs and The Javelin Due!

Friday has been a fairly bright sunshine day in Yeovil, apart from a couple of sudden shady bits but I'm not complaining. Made it to the optician for my new glasses which will take some getting used to. It's the first time I've had varifocals and it's driving me NUTS! I hope I get used to them soon or I'll be saying 'no thanks' to the optician. I can sit more comfortably at the computer with them, which means that I don't have to take my specs off and bend right over the computer to see what I'm typing. That part I think I could get used to quite well. What I might have problems with is the distortion when I'm looking at things further away. It's only the first day so let's see if things improve.

I'm a bit nervous about going to the doctor's in the morning. It's time for my 12-weekly implant, which I have christened 'The Javelin'. It was described to me as a 'chunky' needle. which is quite an accurate description. Quite short but about 5mm thick! My usual doctor for this procedure is off work for a while due to a bereavement, so another doctor is going to perform this minor surgery. As I don't know who it will be, I can feel the apprehension mounting as the appointment gets closer. I just hope I can keep calm enough to get through it. I'm trying not to let it bother me and I'm now going to get some sleep.TTFN.

Looking Forward to Friday and May

I can't tell you much about today because I can't remember much about it. I do know that I woke up at about 7.30ish this morning and the next thing I know is sitting on the bed, still wearing pyjamas plus a dressing gown at nearly 1pm. I remember nothing about getting up or putting on a dressing gown. I could have been downstairs and had a cuppa, gone back to sleep, stayed sat on the bed since waking up or who knows what! One day this will happen and I'll get the police asking me about where I've been all morning; and they'll know more than me about it!

The internet dropped out during the last part of PMLive so I had to cobble a part 2 together pretty quick. If it was a prerecorded show I could just start again. Being a live show there isn't that luxury available and I was pleased with the way I handled it. I didn't panic, at least not much, and got on with resetting the show and doing the rest as part 2. There's a story for Planet Maz News on Planet Maz show next week.

Friday will soon be here and it's new specs day for me. I will be wearing varifocals for the first time, which I think will be more use to me for working more comfortably at the computer than anything else. I will give them a fair trial before I make up my mind

Only a Couple of Days Away from Cyber World

So I haven't been on here for a couple of days, mainly because I don't live in the cyber world 24/7! I have been feeling a bit low because of my dongle running out of credit and not being able to get it stoked up until today. I gave the Planet Maz Growth Fund a plug on Facebook which brought forth some Planet Maz heroes who helped out. I did shed a joyous tear or two and gratefully put some donations to work. My humble thanks go out to those heroes, who know who they are.

These past couple of days have been pretty miserable and I have been catching up on some paperwork. Also, I have been working out the temporary measures I must take to keep Planet Maz Radio on air. I didn't want to do this but I must until I can get things back to normal. Planet Maz will remain a 55 minute show because of the Radio Ear Network slot but PMLive will have to change for a while. It will be shortened to an hour show for both the Thursday and Saturday shows. It is sad that I have to do this and it affects me a lot. The new Planet Maz show was recorded earlier and I didn't really do the best job that I could. During one of the items in the show, I nearly broke down in tears. This was due to two things. Firstly, I am feeling a bit down about the cutting of programme time for PMLive, which I think shows in the below par standard of hosting. Secondly, part of the trans aspects item was very emotional for me. It mentioned the death of the most precious friend I ever had, who I will always love and miss so very much. I was left trying to work out when to start the last track in the show for it to end on time, and failing miserably to perform this simple calculation that I must have done thousands of times over the years. Despite everything that has been going on, I am still pushing myself onward with as much positive energy as I can muster. There will come a time when I can get back to being myself without having to struggle through all this.

However, there has been some positive news to give me a bit of a lift in the emotion department. I've had a phone call from the Gender Identity Clinic, or I should say Sara Thomas from the GIC. Sara is an electrologist. For those of you who don't know, that is someone who removes unwanted hair. In this case we are talking about electrolysis on the genital hair. Perhaps you may think that such a tender and painfull subject should not be counted as a happy event. For me it signals the beginning of the final stages of my transition. As this is the penultimate stage, I can now look forward to the surgery that will be such a fantastic change to my life. I know that it will be the biggest boost possible to my self-confidence as well as being quite sore. May is looking like a busy month and I will keep you up to date on here. TTFN

Catching up!

Yesterday was a confusing day and I must apologise for not posting on here. I slept for just over 14 hours on Wednesday night, which meant that yesterday consisted of getting PMLive Midweek together and broadcast. Strange as it may seem, and this where I started to get confused, I could hardly keep my eyes open. Why was I so tired? It didn't make sense to my brain. All that sleep and so tired? I got even more confused when an hour and a half disappeared without trace from my day. That brought the time to nearly 5.15pm. On air at 7pm. Panic alert! Keep calm girl! This I managed to do and got the show on air about a minute late. I call that a success! After the show I felt so exhausted that I couldn't think of anything except bed. So I went to bed and slept for another 11 hours, despite only having about a 7 or 8 hour day!

So now we are back on track and it is definitely Friday. I am still feeling exhausted despite another long period of sleep. Today, I'm going to try and find a way of cutting down the Internet costs so that I can continue with Planet Maz Radio in it's present form. The costs are crippling me financially and I could well do without the pressure that it is putting on me. PMR has come a long way in 9 months and I don't want to lose it now, when it is heading in the right direction so well. It does me a power of good to have something in my life that is a success and helps me to keep my confidence up.

So I make no apologies for including an unashamed plug for the PMR appeal for money to keep it alive. Many people have said to me on many occasions how much they enjoy the shows and how happy and confident I sound. Yes it is therapy for me and yes it is about people and that means everyone not just transpeople. So you can donate with your credit/debit card on www.gofundme.com/planet-maz-growth-fund remembering that gofundme operates a £5 minimum donation system. If you would prefer to send a cheque or make other arrangements, please email thisisplanetmaz@gmail.com (with 'Donation' as subject) for further details. Thank you.

One Problem is Soon to be Solved

Today's morning absence was a mild and short one. Good job it was, because I had a phone call from Musgrove Park Hospital shortly after I came back to Earth. They had a cancellation which was only a couple of days away. A bit too short notice for me to guarantee making it. Then I was told that the next available date was May 15th. That'll do for me! Get the elbow done and, chances are, it will soon be back to something like normal. At the moment, a soaking wet kitten could win an arm wrestling contest with it.

Other news is that the permanent headache is back to a dull roar that I can cope with. Now I can get a few things done, like this week's Planet Maz show and some paperwork for my benefits. Then I will have another go at catching up with my studies. It's all go around here you know. I just never know where my brain is going to go next.

Right, I have to disappear now to catch up with someone. If anything else happens today, I'll catch up with you later. TTFN.

A Long Long Time Getting Started

I woke up well this morning but it didn't last. I often have an absence or two until I get my bearings sorted out. These are usually mild and I know what happens during them, but not this morning. I was OK when I got downstairs to make a cup of tea. I don't remember most of the morning until I was sat on my bed trying to figure out what day it is. I had trouble getting myself moving as I was no further ahead than when I first got up and time was moving on fast. Tuesday is when I go on the Health Walk but it was going to be tight if I was going to make it to Goldenstones Liesure Centre to meet the walking group at 2pm. So I texted that I might not make it and carried on getting ready. It turned out that I didn't make it but we met up at the Gateway for coffee. A troublesome day that left me not knowing exactly what was going on kept on in the same way. I went to the shop for tea bags and couldn't remember why I was there so I went home. It was when I went to make a cup of tea that I remembered the teabags. Going back to the shop was not an option because I was far too agitated at this point. The back-up jar of instant tea will have to do.

This evening, I have tried to script and record the Planet Maz show and failed. Thanks to the added agitation, I have been unable to keep my mind properly focused and have just about managed to do a running order sheet. I will have to get myself going quite early tomorrow, it's payday and I have bills to pay and shopping to get. Also, I will be getting the show done and dusted for another week. So the next post might be later in the day just like this one was. It's getting late and writing this post has taken so long because of all the typing errors I am making. Here's to getting a good night's sleep and waking up better than today. TTFN.

The Head That Didn't Like the Optician

Today got off to a good start when I got up at a reasonable time to check messages and emails. Got through most of them before it was time to go to the optician. I thought I was tall but one of the nice young opticians that looked after me today had me looking up to him! It all went well, even a new pressure testing machine that isn't as horrible at blowing the puffs of air into the eyes as the last time I went. The rest of the appointment went well and new specs were chosen. That was all OK, or so I thought as I walked home. I had a cup of tea and some soup for a late lunch and got on with the rest of the messages and then I noticed that I couldn't remember walking home. On top of that, the permanent headache has decided that it would let me know what it thought of the eye tests. It was still a dull roar when I was leaving the optician. By the time I got home, it was like a month's blasting in a huge quarry going off at the same time. I think it's time to lie down and see if I can get it under control again (after a pair of painkillers). Until next time.

It's 10.45pm and the headache is now fighting the painkillers. I am going to take myself off to bed and try to get some sleep. Hopefully, I'll be better in the morning and the headache will be back to a manageable dull roar. That's all until tomorrow.

Going Down Under and Back

I was late up today and I am blaming certain Antipodian friends who kept me chatting on FB until after 2am! It's great to catch up with these Aussie nutters but it does not do the sleep routine any good! At least I'm here now. 

 Not long after I had finally risen from the pit, the doorbell rang (an unusual occurance on a Sunday morning!). I answered the door to find Jacqui standing there smiling at me. It was a flying visit but it was good to see her. So I am still feeling quite tired but happy today (so far!). It's a nice day out there so I might just get my walking shoes on and disappear for a couple of hours into the local countryside. I might be able to burn off a few of those excess calories.

That sounds like a good idea, if my permanent headache will settle down a bit. Yes, the downside is from the head department today. Amitriptyline keeps it down to a dull roar but it does have a nasty habit of fighting the medication at times and today is one of those days. As I type this, I can feel the pressure building up to blowing my stack levels. Now I have to decide if I take painkillers or not. Co-codamol is a strong painkiller and mine are the 3/500 strength which are the strongest. Two of them will deal with it and get it back to a manageable dull roar, if I can't fight it back myself. My typing speed has slowed dramaticly and I am finding it hard going to finish this post. I may have to come back later, so please excuse me if I disappear. I hate relying on medications to keep going, so I will do without them if I can, especially powerful pain killers like these. I have to take the amitriptyline at night to help me control the headache so that I have a better chance of getting some sleep. This doesn't always work but it gives me a better chance of sleeping.

I think that's all for now, so I'll be back later or tomorrow. Bye for now.

Payback for a Good Day

The first point today is that I have decide to start titling these blogs. I didn't think that it would be neccesary but I have had thoughts about it since writing last night's effort about having a successful day and the start of today.

So why should yesterday deserve some pay back? There is a theory of equal and opposite in life. In oriental philosophy they call it the ying and the yang of life. What this means is that there is a balance of good and bad in life. For everything good, there is something bad to maintain that balance. Today, I have had the bad side payback for yesterday's successful trip to Taunton, which started paying back before I went to bed, apparently. I had trouble getting to sleep last night, so I spent a lot of time reading and, I thought, just dozing. Today I found a used saucepan in the kitchen sink with two used plates. So what? So this; I made a pan of beef and tomato savoury pasta when I got home from Taunton. That is two meals for me, one for supper and the other for lunch today. I know that pasta meals are probably my favourite meals to cook and eat, and the second meal out of the pan always seems better than the first, more tasty and better flavours. Today, all I found in the kitchen was the empty pan and another used plate and fork. There is nobody else who would have eaten it so, the question is 'when did I eat it?'. One of those dozes must have been an absence, when I went downstairs and finished it off. If this is the case, and the evidence says it is, then I may well have answered two questions that I have been wondering about for some time. Firstly, where has so much of my food been going? Secondly, Why have I been putting so much weight on? It doesn't take Hercule Poirot to figure that one out!

Eventualy, I got to sleep. What time it was I can't be sure. What I am sure of is that I slept in until about 2pm. I might have slept too much or not enough, I don't know. What I do know is that I spent about half an hour pacing the floor near my bedroom door, inspecting the laundry, furniture, bed, items on the dressing table unit and it seemed that some of these things were getting complemented while some were getting told off. I can only surmise that from the ways that I was speaking to them as I couldn't understand a word of what I was saying. I feel quite exhausted and it's high time that I started to get tonight's PMLive show together. I just hope that I can keep myself going for the next few hours.

The Perfect Hospital Appointment?

I'm finally back in Yeovil from Taunton. I was starving hungry by the time I got back so first thing to do was get a pan of savoury beef and tomato pasta on the go. Then I thought that my top priority was large tea. I was right. I'm on the 2nd large tea and trying to get the fingers and brain to co-operate with writing this post. Here goes anyway. I caught the bus to Taunton OK and the bus to Musgrove Park Hospital, where I was quite early and found the orhopaedic clinic in plenty of time. I was nearly 20 minutes early and expecting to be there for ages. Time ticked on towards 3.10pm, my appointed time. 3.10 arrived and my name was called!! I got in to see Mr Sheridan (which was not an unpleasant experience at all. If he had took my blood pressure it would have gone through the roof!!) He was so nice in his manner (and looks), we were able to have a couple of giggles as he checked my arm. I don't think I slobbered anywhere, I managed to control the drooling enough! Anyway, mind back on the job. The conclusion of the appointment was that I will have surgery to decompress the Ulnar Nerve, which means that I will see him again within the next 18 weeks or so! The next thing to do was the pre-admission assessment, which meant finding my way to the POAC (Pre Operation Assessment Clinic) where there was more waiting to do. Blood pressure, height, weight, nasal probe and a specimen and some questions to ask and answer. It will be a day unit job but I will not be allowed home on my own. So I have to see about getting a lift from someone. All I need now is a date to go in for a quick (25 mins) cut and thrust job to get the nerve back to its old self. My arm will be in the hands of the lovely Mr Sheridan.

Hospital Appointment Anxiety

Well, I've arrived at the start of a new day. I've taken my breakfast tablets and I'm on the first of 2 large teas before I get ready for a slightly nervous journey that I must make. This is the day when I must go to Taunton for an appointment at Musgrove Park Hospital. I will, hopefully, find out if I have to have an operation on my left elbow. This is making me a bit nervous so I'm going to make sure that I have everything in my bag before I get a shower. I'm feeling quite calm now so it's the best time for me to do that. Last night's PMLive show went well with some giggles and a bit of more serious discussion to start with. I haven't reviewed it yet, but there were some good moments in it and I felt relaxed when I went to bed. There were some moments when I was on form and some where I was a bit slow and not quite up to speed. At least it was better than Saturday's show and back to the more usual length. Right now, though, I'm on the second tea and all is going well. Sunshine and blue sky in Yeovil is helping me to feel good so all is right on Planet Maz. I'll be reporting back later on how the appointment went, as well as how I coped with the day.

Goal Ajustment is Good for You

I'm feeling quite wierd today. Slept too much last night (11hours) and still feel quite exhausted. Got through emails and most of my fb messages. I see that there has been some activity on here. I'm pleased about that and I hope you are sharing the link for this blog. I'm a bit sad that nobody has left any comments. I would like visitors to join the blog and tell me what they are thinking. Don't worry about joining the blog, your details are safe and I won't pass them on at all. It's just so that I can keep the transphobic morons off this blog. I've just realised that today is Thursday, which means that I have to get myself together for PMLive Midweek in under 4 hours. I can feel a sensation of panic building up but I must stay focused on calm. Saturday's show was a dire affair! I sounded like a tenth rate beginner! Yesterday, I did consider deleting it but then I thought of why I am doing this blog. That show is showing how much of a fight this can be to continue with living a life that is blighted by mental ill health. Yes the show was crap and I could only manage half of my usual length of show, but I am proud of that crap show because I could easily have said "No show tonight, I'm not up to it". Instead I decided to do a shorter show that would allow me to take it quite easy. Yes there was less pressure on me, yes I sounded crap and yes, most importantly, I did it! I fought through the pressure that was created in my mind and achieved my goal of a one hour show! That is a good way of dealing with such a situation. Look at what you want to do and adjust the goal to suit your capability at that time. I did that and now I am proud of a piece of crap, but it's a piece of crap that I got through and completed.

Reflections on a Busy Day

Today has been a good day for me. A little scary in the Jobcentre when I went in to sort out my benefits. It was quite busy and I had to use one of their phones. It's not so much the phone that can make me nervous, it's the thought of talking to a stranger. Having said that, on a really bad day I can be scared of anything that can communicate with the outside world. Phone, computer, telly, radio and anything else that links with the world outside. Even answering the door is very scary on these days. Not today, though. I made an appointment at the optician for my 2 yearly eye test and decided to nip home for a coffee. I had been to the doctor, the bank and the optician so I decided to take a break before finishing my jobs. Living in the centre of town has its perks, like just nipping home for a coffee. It's good that I did, because I went to write the appointment on my dry wipe board and noticed that on Friday (the day I booked with the optician) I was going to Taunton for an appointment about my left arm (which has some damage to one of the main nerves that could be fixed by surgery). So, after coffee, I went back to the optician to change the appointment. Familiar, friendly faces greeted me at the district council offices where I arranged for Nadine (welfare benefit advisor) to contact me, as she wasn't in. Then to the jobcentre and back home. I helped a trans friend out and spent some time catching up with messages and facebook notifications (a quiet day on facebook - only about 50 notifications). For the rest of the day, I will be recording Planet Maz for PMR and REN. Until tomorrow, TTFN xxx

Busy Morning Ahead

8.50am and I'm doing well because I managed to get up on the second alarm out of 4 that I use on my mobile phone. I have also remembered to put the letters I need and my absence book in my bag ready for the doctor's appointment at 9.35am. She's got the patience of a saint, as the saying goes, with me and my issues. All I have to remember now is to go to the bank, Jobcentre and council office. Let's see what mess I can make of things today.

What is All This About?

This is it! A 'warts and all' record of living life with mental health problems as well as going through the transition to being the person that I should have been born as. I know that I'm nearing the end of my transition but the issue of mental health has reared its ugly head to give me a new set of problems only quite recently. I have started this blog on a day that began badly for me. I was supposed to get up this morning to go and do some errands before going on the usual Tuesday health walk at 2pm. I have 4 alarms on my mobile phone and all were set last night to wake me by 9am. Bed time was a respectable 10.45pm, or thereabouts, and I remember switching 2 of the alarms off in daylight. Then I looked at the clock and it was 2.45pm. What had I done for nearly 6 hours? Was I asleep or somewhere else? I have no idea. I only know that I was sitting on the bed at that time with no recollection of what I had been doing. It's most likely that I slept on until my mischievous mind decided that I should wake up. As long as I get things right tomorrow, especially getting up in the morning for a doctor's appointment, I will spend some time catching up on what I should have done today.

There is one thing that I can depend on but would rather that it would go away. I have a permanent headache that is mostly kept down to a dull roar with regular medication. If it should decide to get nasty, as it does at times, I have some very strong painkillers to tame it. This alone is enough to drive me totally off my trolley if I let it, so the headache has other co-conspirators waiting to ambush me. Panic attacks are bothersome little oiks that do their best to turn me into a tearsome, quivering mass of confused humanity. The last time that they won a round was a few weeks ago while visiting Charli and Helen for a few days. I don't remember much about it apart from being a snivelling wreck and Charli hugging me and trying to get me eating an apple. It was all because I couldn't find a razor, which goes to show that panic attacks don't care how small you're concern is before they decide to have a go at you.

Here's a question for you. What happens when your brain decides to ignore reality? In my case, the answer is 'mental absence'. If I wasn't asleep this morning, as noted above, then I had a mental absence. It is a strange kind of occurrence that I either remember all of, parts of or nothing of. The few people who have seen this happen to me all describe the same thing which is what I know of the episodes that I remember. Wandering aimlessly, jabbering on in what could be a foreign language, picking up objects to look at and talk to before putting them down and not always in the same place, waving and pointing at something that may or may not be there and staring off into space like Mr Spock on mogadon! There is little or no warning of these, which means that anything can happen to me if I am out and about when the brain takes off on its own. If I can, I get to a safe place while I fight it off or it wears off. Should I not be able to do this, I could walk in front of a bus and not know a thing about it, until I wake up in hospital or the morgue. You might say that I'm being morbid but it is a real risk for me and people need to know how serious a risk it is.

I was going to write about memory next but I can't remember what to write! Sorry, I couldn't resist that one. My memory has become fragmented, like what happens to your computer's files and you have to defrag it every week. The difference is that my brain doesn't have a defrag programme to put it right. It is said that the most powerful computer in the world doesn't have the power that the human brain has. It does, however, have one big advantage over our brains. It can be repaired and improved quite easily. Try installing a new memory in your brain and see how far you get. Not far. My memory still has tons of room, but something is preventing it from working like the steel trap that it used to be. Some things will stick in there and some things will be forgotten within seconds. This first blog post is taking a very long time for me to write, mainly because I keep forgetting where keys are on the keypad. Also I forget which word I'm supposed to be typing in. Sometimes I have to use a different word because I don't know the word that I was going to use. It gets awfully confusing. I have to keep reminding my self what the full date is because I can forget what century it is never mind the day.

When we are performing a task, we need to concentrate on it. The more difficult or complex a task is means that concentration has to be more intense and focused. This is another problem that slows progress for me. I used to be able to concentrate on something until it is finished, even though it would sometimes mean taking breaks and coming back to the task. I now get times when concentration levels are zero, which leads to a job not getting started at all for some time or it gets started and waits for months to be completed. Allied to concentration is attention span. What a minefield this can be! My attention span can often be measured in seconds. I might get settled in to start something, then just put it to one side immediately as if I had just done a day's work on it. Writing this post has involved about 4 breaks in concentration and once that my attention span cut off. After a cup of coffee, I managed to get my attention span back on track along with concentration.

Confusion sets in mostly when the memory has taken an unannounced break, which only needs to be a second or two long. That's when I have to find answers to questions like 'what am I doing?' 'why am I stood here?' 'where am I going?' 'did I make a coffee?' etc. Mostly, it is only involving minor situations. It can be more serious when it comes to important things. For example; some weeks ago, I had an appointment for an EEG test of my brainwaves. Memory takes a break, I get confused and miss the appointment. I nearly have a panic attack when I realise this but manage to focus on phoning the hospital to re-book it. The staff were brilliant and set my mind at ease before sending out another appointment that I kept. High anxiety levels make these situations seem worse than they are. Anxiety is great for warning us of danger, although too high a level of anxiety can lead to problems. I have had to learn effective management of my anxiety and it works for most of the time.

Depression is not the same as feeling depressed. I have learnt how to control my depression but there are times when it gets through to me. That is when I can not even get out of bed easily, never mind getting dressed and getting on with the day. Feeling depressed is a heavy kind of sadness that can be lifted by something happy happening to get a smile on your face, even if it takes a bit of time. I have more or less got control of my depression now, despite the lows that I still have sometimes. It's a great feeling when I beat it!

Well that about sums up what I am facing nowadays, on top of the ups and downs of repairing nature's mistake with my gender. Yes things are going wrong in my head and yes, I do need to know what it is. That's when I can start to take control using whatever means necessary. There will be at least one new post on here every day, depending on how eventful the day is. I am looking forward to you joining this blog and to your comments, so feel free to tell me your thoughts. I'll be back tomorrow. 'Bye for now xxx.